A LONG TIME AGO--precisely a decade ago actually, when I was 18 and a freshman year at Vassar--I realized, one day, that I was growing up, right then. In fact, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself so. Perhaps there was a beer or two in me, but it was a lucid moment and one that I've not forgotten about. Recently, I've had a similar feeling, my second to that at college. I would not say that what I am going through is as dramatic a metamorphisis as a recently-went-home friend says he is going through (he mentions this stage as a third chapter in his life, the first two being 1) childhood and 2) entering adulthood), but I would still say it was a significant change.
The closest way I've found to describe this stage in words is to say that I feel I am marrying myself. I feel like I am taking on more responsiblity in my life, but in doing so, am able to spread my arms wider and have more momentum in work and play. Now that I think of it, this friend of mine also happens to be married (to a real person, in his case), and I think his marriage would count as being one of the major events of his Chapter Two. So, if my life can be divided up similarly into chapters, maybe this is part of my Chapter Two.
I don't know if this "marriage" to myself is a good one or not. Basically it's an emotional time in my life, and most of what I feel now is being scared and wanting an easier way out. I look at errands--no, tasks..., no GOALS--of the day, and I don't know how I'm going to do them. I've probably been in this stage for the majority of the past few years, but this is down right the lowest point of the curve (or one hopes it is, anyway). At least--again, one hopes--there's only one way to go from here, which is up.
So that's me, at 28.
4 comments:
You're only on Chapter two? And you call yourself Chapter 11.
Maybe it refers to my goal.
"My goal in life is reach Chapter 11."
.... ん”ーーーーーどうでしょう。
chapters... hrm... Japan really for me is becoming a Chapter 3. The longer I am here, the more I realize my adult life (as opposed to Childhood and College with there Capital C's) is really defined by living here. The longer I am here, the harder it is to know what to do next.
I'm starting to feel like, by never having worked a real, adult-type job back in the states, I have made it harder to imagine myself gone back and working there.
I'll be 26 in November. This was originally just going to be a gap year, but now I feel like its a gap life. Where do I go next? How do I give this all up?
Courtney, I understand what you are saying. But you can always go back to the States and get a real, adult-type job, because you have been doing a real, adult-type job in Japan. If you were a プー太郎 then maybe people aren't too keen on hiring you back home, but hey man! You supported yourself, you worked, you had a life. People change jobs all the time in the States (here too). I think if when there's something you want to do in the States, you'd ll able to imagine yourself there.
ゲド戦記、ちょっと待っててね。もう観たかな？まだだったら、今度観に行こうね。また連絡するね。
Post a Comment